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    • Amotah wrote:

      Time zones and stuffs too. Give me a set time to try and be on. Because I usually go entirely subconscious over the weekend. It's better than spending 48 hours pondering on the decrepit loneliness which follows me, and the constant feeling of disappointment. I like the sleep, where I can forget who I am, and all that makes me who I am. I am not miserable, especially compared to others. I pale in comparison to that which many others endure, yet still, I am not them. And as horrid as I may believe things to be, there is nobody I would trade myself out for. No matter how weak, stupid, lonely, and awkward I may be, I cherish who I am. I enjoy being my own person, even if it means sacrificing some of the joys of life that many others experience. I have never dated, never loved, never gotten the feeling of butterflies in my stomach when I see someone I truly cherish. But I am okay with that. But in the end, I feel like I am just an asshole. I feel like I am just always so stern, and unforgiving. I share sympathy with only those extremely close to me, the ones which in my head I deem "deserving". But I can't shake the feeling that I am not as nice as a person as I wish I could be. I wasn't exactly raised with sunshine's and rainbows. I had two of my friends perish to terminal cancer. And now I stride on, still bearing this pain. I will never forget them, because to me, the concept of friendship seems somewhat distant compared to how others may view it. I don't want to come off as some whining little disappointment. I have always been surrounded by people who don't give a shit about me. By people who would rather toot their own horn then even consider acknowledging another's needs. I think it's this society I grew up in that has isolated me socially, morphing me into this lump of angst and solitude. Yet despite all that I see wrong with myself, I can still value that which I have. And unfortunately, there is many that can't, many that simply succumb to these meagre lives. I have forever been surrounded by people who's personality is shaped by a superiority complex. And now, at the end of the year, when everyone is so joyous, so happy and cheerful. I sit here, in my room, alone. My heart and mind filled with distaste, unhappiness, anger, grief, stoic, and glimmers of happiness. I don't know if you can relate to any of this, or if one day you will be able to. But no matter what, rest assured that you aren't alone. And in saying that, I don't imply I am here for you (although I would gladly help) I am suggesting the fact that there are millions like us. Perhaps even billions of us mere humans who have become dictated by these volatile emotions we have grown to express zero control of. Ticking time bombs of feelings. Every negative experience slowly ticking away at the time, picking it away until a husk of our true selves is exposed. The parts of us all that we so dearly try to conceal. Sometimes I wonder over whether I am happy with my life choices, if I am happy with what I have become. And I don't know. I don't think I ever will. Because sometimes it feels like joy is non existent, a faded concept designed by the privileged to express their superiority. But obviously, this is stupid, drawing negatives out of every little bit of life is stupid. And unfortunately, many have fallen into that trap. Many that were too blinded by their mind to stop and consider whether what they were thinking was correct. But I think luckily for me, I have been mesmerized by the enchanting euphoric experiences of life. I am able to see that all life has value, that even through all that which I must endure, I need to help others. Because I love to help people, I cherish those individual moments of humanity so closely to my heart. But at some point, you have to just accept that you can't resolve some issues. Some issues need to be solved by their bearer, and the inability to support in any kind of way can be heart wrenching. I miss the past, I miss what had once been. But even still, I am drawing close to fully accepting the future, embracing the emotional rollercoaster that is life. Any of you that see this, know you are loved. You are not alone.
      If you say so buddy.

      CarKing the 6th of the Abrahamic Caliphate